The Wedding Banquet (a sitcom)

Cast of characters:

Jesus

Mary

Mario

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Let us travel back in time to many years ago, long before you were ever born. A wedding celebration is taking place in a little town by the name of Cana located somewhere in Galilee and very far from Brooklyn. The banquet hall is situated on John 2:1-11 Street, right next to Martha’s Vineyard.

Jesus and his mother, Mary, are sitting as guests at one of the tables eating and watching the other guests enjoying themselves.

Let us listen in on the conversation:

Carmela

Mary: What a nice banquet this is! Don’t you think so?

Jesus: Yes it is, mother.

Mary: Oh look, Jesus, there’s Judy over there! Isn’t she lovely?!

Jesus: Yes, she is, mother.

Mary: And there’s Rebecca! She is a saint! And she can sing, too!

Jesus: I sure know how to create ’em!

Mary displays a puzzled look following Jesus’ response.
She then continues…

Mary: Oh! Son, look over there! There’s Carmela! Isn’t she
a darling!!!

Jesus: Yes, she’s cute, mother.

Mary: Cute?! Are you kidding me? Look at her! She is
beautiful!!!

Jesus: Yes, she is, mother.

Mary: And she’s so adorable! Oh, and she
can cook, too!  Have you met her yet, son?

Jesus: Mother, before Carmela was born, I AM.

Mary: What?

Mary dismisses what Jesus said and continues…

Mary: Listen, son, you are not yet over the age of 30 and …

Jesus: Yes, I know, mom. But, I am not old.

Mary: Yes, I know dear, but surely you want to settle down … don’t you? Why, look at all of these nice girls here!

Jesus: Mother, I dream to one day get married. As a matter of fact, I want to be the bridegroom of as many of these ladies as possible – all on the same day!

Mary: (Gasping) You can’t be serious, son! Why, many of these women here are much older than you!

Jesus: I know, mom, but I will marry any and all who love me.

Mary: Do you mean to tell me you want to be like a king with wives and concubines?!

Jesus: (Grinning) Hey, King Solomon sure had a blast, didn’t he, mother? … (Slapping his knee and LOL)  Haw! Haw! Haw! … Hee! Hee! Hee!

Mary: Oh, stop it! Don’t be so silly.

Suddenly, Mary notices Mario, the head caterer and gossip, having a very concerned
conversation with one of the servants.
He looks very worried.  
Mary goes over to him…

Mary: Hi, Mario. Everything sure looks great and the food is just excellent!

Mario: Thank you, Mary. But right now we have a problem.

Mary: Oh no, please don’t tell me. Did the bride and bridegroom get food poisoning like what happened at the last wedding you catered?

Mario: No, no, no, Mary. They are fine. As a matter of fact, they can’t wait for this banquet to be over so they can go off and play golf.

Mary: Golf?

Mario: (Whispering) Don’t tell anyone, but the bride can drive the ball off the tee much farther than the bridegroom.

Mary: So what problem do you have, then?

Mario: (Still whispering) We ran out of wine. Shhhhh.

Mary: Really?

Mario: If the bridegroom ever finds out I didn’t order enough of it, he’ll kill me.

Mary: No, Mario, he won’t do that.

Mario: Yes, he will. And the bride is going to smash her bottle of champagne on my casket and say, “Bon voyage, kiddo!”

Mary: No, she won’t!

Mary looks over at Jesus who was eating fish and chips with friends and turns to Mario.

Mary: Mario, I think I have just the solution for you!

Mario: Really, Mary! What do you have in mind?

Mary: Follow me.

Mary and Mario then approach Jesus …

Mary: Son, Mario here told me there is no more wine for the banquet. Can you do a miracle for us here?

Jesus: Mother, now is not the time for me to go public with this.

Mario: (Whispering to Jesus) Yes, like your mother said, we are all out of wine.  Not a drop.

Jesus: Are you joking? There’s actually no more wine? Wow! You Cananites sure like to drink!

Mary: Please, son. I know you can do something here. Do you remember the time when you were little and playing with your friend in the sandbox? He had a pet frog which you turned into chocolate. Do you remember?

Jesus: Yes, I do. And you should have seen the look on his face after he took a bite of it and I turned it back into a frog! (Slapping his knee and LOL) Haw! Haw! Haw! … Hee! Hee! Hee!

Mary: I didn’t know that! (Gasps) That was a sin, Jesus!

Jesus: No, mother. I got permission from my Dad in heaven.
No problemo. He wanted to teach him a lesson for something
the kid did anyway. …(Slapping his knees and LOL) Haw! Haw! Haw! … Hee! Hee! Hee!

Mary: You’re beginning to worry me, child.

Mario: (To Jesus) Can you show me how you did that trick? I have some mean, nasty relatives I would like to try it on.

Mary: (Slapping her knee and LOL) Haw! Haw! Haw! … Hee! Hee! Hee!

Mario: What am I going to do now? The bride and groom are now dancing to Hava Nagila and will be very thirsty afterwards!

Mary: Mario, do whatever my son tells you to do, okay?

Jesus: Mario, is it okay if I also tell your caterers under you what to do?

Mario: Sure, but I am still paying them minimum wage.

Jesus motions to the other caterers to come over to where he was.

Jesus: Take those jars of stone over there and fill them with water. … And make sure there are no scorpions in them. They cause food poisoning.

Mario: (To his staff) Here’s the spray can of bug killer we used last time.

Jesus: (Raising his arms and sounding exactly like Charlton Heston in the movie, The Ten Commandments)  BEHOLD!  I SAID, BEHOLD!  THOU  SHALT  NOT  USE  PESTICIDES  AT  ANY  OF  YOUR  BANQUETS!  BUT  GO  YE  THEREFORE  AND  FILL  THOSE  JARS  OF  STONE  WITH  WATER!

Mario: Well, there goes next month’s water bill.

When the caterers returned with jars full, Jesus then proceeds to change the water into wine. He then tells them to bring it to Mario to try a sample.

Mario: (Sipping from a ladle) Why, this is the best wine I ever tasted!

Jesus: There is none better in the whole world. I was saving it for my own wedding.

Mario: Let us market this! We’ll make a fortune! We can call this, Mannaschewitz!

Jesus: Sorry, Mario, I’m not interested.

Mario: Let me know when you’ve changed your mind.  Here’s my business card.  (Whispering) And … ah…thanks for saving my neck.

Jesus: (Raising his arms and using Charlton Heston’s voice again)  BEHOLD!  FOR  THAT  REASON  WAS   I   BORN!

Jesus and Mary return to their place at their table and begin enjoying the cake, ice cream and coffee set before them.

Jesus: Mother, have you seen my disciples?

Mary: I saw them just a while ago….Oh! I see John!

Jesus: John? Where is he? There are so many people around me.

Mary: (Pointing) He’s right over there …. dancing with Carmela.

–  The End  –

 

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